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Roman Scandals

by Frank Nuttall and Stephen James

Cast in order of appearance

Sweatshop (Roman Galley Slave Driver)
Redgrave (1st Galley Slave)
Pinsent (2nd Galley Slave)
Glutius Maximus (Roman Commander)
Birdseye (Roman Galley Captain)
Commodus (Roman Legionary)
Ludicrus (Roman Centurion)
Devius Devius (A Double Agent)
Hides (Old British Man)
Agrippa (Old British Woman and Soothsayer)
Rule Britannicus (King of the Angles)
Encyclopaedia Britannicus (Queen of the Angles)
Voluptua (Princess of the Angles)
Volumina (Voluptua’s Twin Sister)
Gloria Inexcelsis (Voluptua’s Best Friend)
Mykingdomforanos (Voluptua’s Betrothed)
Optimistix (A Rich Lord from St. Evenage)
Pessimistix (Optimistix’ Wife)
Quikfix (A Chariot Garage Owner)
Shergar and Red Rum (Chariot horses)
Mark Anthony (Roman Senator)
Brutus (Another Roman Senator)
Cicero (Yet another Roman Senator)
Cassius (Just one more Roman Senator)
Julio Caesar (Prospective Roman Emperor)
Crackus (Announcer at Roman Senate)
Quintus (Praetorian Guard)
Arrius (A Late Arrival)
Andronicus (A Roman Publican)
Cashdenari (A Waitress)
Whiskas (A Lion)
Twix (A Druid)
Leonardo (The Wedding Sketcher)

Act 1 – Scene 1

(Somewhere off the South Coast of Britannicus a Roman galley is sailing towards the mainland.  The Slave Driver is beating a steady rhythm.  The refrain Yoho heave ho can be heard).

Sweatshop:    OK lads, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

Redgrave:    What’s the good news?

Sweatshop:    You’ll all be getting double rations tonight.

(General cheering)

Pinsent:    What’s the bad news?

Sweatshop:    Tomorrow morning, the captain’s son wants to go water skiing.

(General booing.  Glutius Maximus appears on deck)

Redgrave:    Who’s that?  He looks like he owns the place?

Pinsent:    That’s Glutius Maximus, commander of the armies of the North, general of the Felix legions and enforcer for the soon to be Emperor, Julio Caesar.  He is feared and hated throughout the Roman empire and generally booed by pantomime audiences.

Glutius Maximus:    Captain, what is that noise?

Captain:    The sound of an approaching storm, I fear sir.

GM    Then we must proceed faster.  Get your slave driver to give these slackers (pointing to the crew) a taste of the whip.  And perhaps if they had a suitable song to sing, they’d put their backs into it.

Captain:    Yes, commander.  Sweatshop, the lash for a few of these (pointing at crew) wastrels, if you please and then lets have the ship’s song .

Sweatshop:    Yes, sir. Does everyone remember the tune?  (sings the tune) Then let’s begin.  Then sing The Life of a Slave to the tune of Jolly Boating Weather.

The Life of a Slave

Oh the life of a slave is awful,
It’s harder than anyone thinks,
We’re away from dusky maidens,
And we die if the galley sinks,
But the one consolation,
Which sets us apart from the Gauls,
Is, unlike our Nubian brothers,
We’ve still got a full set of …

GM:    (Interrupts before end of song): Very good Captain, but I don’t think that there was anywhere near enough gusto shown by the slaves at the back (pointing at audience).  Let’s have it again please, this time with gusto. And get the bouncing ball, I think that they could do with some vocal exercise

Captain:    Yes, sir.  Sweatshop, the song again please.  This time any slave found not singing with gusto will have to walk the plank.

Sweatshop:    (Addressing audience) Right, you shower, let’s sing the ship’s song again and remember, this time I’ll be watching you for your gusto level (Whips members of audience with feather duster as he says) Louder, you scoundrels, louder.  First, the lash, and then the bouncing ball.  It never fails.  .

(Sings song again, this time reach “full set of teeth”)

GM:    Much better, Captain.  By the way, “teeth” doesn’t rhyme with “Gauls”.

Captain:    It did at rehearsal, sir.

GM:    Oh.  Captain, please maintain this speed.  The sooner we get to Britannicus, do what we’ve come to do and get back to Rome, the better I’ll like it.  How I hate Britannicus and its people, especially the children.  The children of Britannicus must be the snottiest, most badly behaved and awful children in the whole world.  If it were left to me, I’d put them all in the deepest dungeon and throw away the key.  Captain, what is that noise?

Captain:    The storm is upon us, sir.  It will soon be time to disembark.

GM:    (shouts)  Commodus, Ludicrus.  Where are those two clowns?

(Commodus and Ludicrus appear on deck wearing red noses.  Commodus is carrying an umbrella).

Commodus:    Hi GM, how’s it going on the invasion front?

GM:    Commodus, I’ve told you before not to call me GM.  I’m a very important man and should be treated accordingly.

Commodus:    As you wish.  However, as we’re in Britannicus I thought that we could call you by your British name.  When in Britannicus, do as the Britons do, as it were.

GM:    And what is my British name?

Commodus:    Big Bum.

GM:    Big Bum.  I like the sound of that.  Whilst we remain in Britannicus, you may address me as Big Bum.  By the way, what’s that you’re carrying?

Commodus:    The latest thing in weapons technology.  I got it from the Innovations catalogue back in Rome.  It’s a combined sword (demonstrates) and water collector (demonstrates).

GM:    What’s it called?

Commodus:    A bucket.

Captain:    Sir, we’ve arrived.  The boats are ready to take you ashore.

GM:    Thank you captain.  Men, it is time to begin our mission and to do our duty to Rome.  On my signal, unleash hell.

Commodus:    That’s right, and if you find yourself alone riding in green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled.

Ludicrus:    Why, will be have been killed and entered Elysium?

Commodus:    Possibly.  But more likely, you’ll have passed out from drinking too much warm British beer.

GM:    To the boats!

Act 1 – Scene 2

(Somewhere on the South Coast of Britannicus, Devius Devius, a Roman spy, approaches an old man and an old woman. DD is dressed as James Bond.)

DD:    Allow me to introduce myself.  I am Devius Devius, Double Agent, British traitor, Roman spy and general bad egg.

Hides:    Nice to meet you.

DD:    Likewise.  Have you by any chance seen any Roman vessels around here?

Hides:    Can’t say I have.  But perhaps these people can assist you (points to audience).

DD:    Ah, yes.  I wonder if you can help me?  I’m trying to meet the Roman commander Glutius Maximus.  As he’s a very dangerous character, I have to approach him carefully.  I shall hide behind these bushes.  When I give you this signal (shows stupid sign), will you please shout “He’s behind you”?  Thank you, you’re a big help.

(DD hides behind bushes.  Three Romans come ashore.)

GM:    What an awful place.

Commodus:    What an awful place.

Ludicrus:    What an awful place.

GM:    What is it with you two?  It’s like being followed by my own personal echo.

Commodus:    Echo?

Ludicrus:    Echo?

Commodus:    I’m sorry Big Bum, but the  rain never stops in this country.  If only we had something that would keep us dry.  (brandishes umbrella).

GM:    You’re right.  However, instead, perhaps we could use your bucket to collect some drinking water.

Commodus:    Good idea.

(Opens umbrella.  The rain stops.)

Commodus:    What do you know, it’s stopped raining.

Ludicrus:    Are we back in Rome?

Commodus:    Have you been on the warm beer already?  We won’t be needing this now.  (Closes umbrella.  It starts raining again.  Commodus looks up at the sky.  GM and Ludicrus look at Commodus).

GM:    Enough of this.  We have to find that Bent Briton.  He said he’d be here at VIII o’clock.

(Turns to man and woman)

GM:    Bring that old crone and her companion to me.

(To old woman)

Woman, what is your name?

Agrippa:    My name is Agrippa and I have a message for the Roman commander.

GM:    I’m the Roman commander.  What’s your message?

Agrippa:    I have been reading your runes.

GM:     Oh, yes?

Agrippa:    And I have noticed that Uranus is full of surprises this month.  As a result, you must beware the Ides of March, for the Ides of March pose a threat to your Roman power.  Beware the Ides of March.  Remember, Beware the Ides of March.  Beware the Ides of March.

Commodus:    Get a Grip, Agrippa.

GM:    Very good, Commodus.  Old crone, are you telling me to beware the Ides of March?

Agrippa:    Beware the Ides of March.

GM:    (turning to Hides)  And you sir, who might you be?

Hides:    My name is Hides.

GM:    And where might you be from?

Hides:    Yon village over there sir.

GM;    And the village is called?

Hides:    April, sir.

Ludicrus:    (Strikes Hides with his sword)

GM:    March, Ludicrus, March.

Ludicrus begins to march.

GM:    Give me strength.  Be gone old crone and Hides of April.  And tell your compatriots of the awesome nature of Roman power.  Now where is that British traitor?

(DD makes his sign)

GM:    What’s that noise, Commodus?

Commodus:    Thunder, Big Bum.  Unless you’ve…

GM:    I haven’t.

(DD appears from behind his bush and Commodus brandishes his umbrella.)

DD:    I say steady on old man.  You’ll have my eye out with that bucket.  Devius Devius, double agent, at your service.  The master of disguise, the creator of surprise and here before your eyes.  Furthermore, women are putty in my hands.

(A woman appears and falls into DD’s arms, then exits)

Commodus:    Double Devius you may be, but the next time you creep up on us like that, you’ll be double dead.

Ludicrus:    Don’t worry, boss, there may be two of him, but there’s three of us.

(They all look at Ludicrus)

Commodus:    What?

GM:    What?

DD:    I say, what?

GM:    We have no time for this.  Devius Devius, as you know, Julio Caesar has sent us to Britannicus to bring the beautiful Voluptua, Princess of the Angles, back to Rome.  It is Caesar’s ardent desire to marry this woman.  What have you to report?

DD:    I’m glad you asked me that, uncle.  As you know, I am very big over here in the spying game.  In fact, back in 38 I won two cups for espionage.  Hence my nickname, 38 Double D.

Commodus:    That was one in the eye for the knockers.

Ludicrus:    Pull the udder one.

Commodus:    I think that we’ll have to keep abreast of this situation.

Ludicrus:    You wouldn’t want to be a busted flush.

Commodus:    Noone wants to make a boob like that.

GM:    Stop, Stop, … or I’ll exile you both to Bristol.

DD:    I am pleased to report that I have a cunning plan to deliver the Princess Voluptua into your hands.  Tomorrow morning, she, her twin sister Volumina and her friend, Gloria Inexcelsis will be travelling to the seaside resort of Bognus for a hennus partius ahead of her marriage to Mykingdomforanos.

Commodus:    What use is that?  Were over LX passus (aside: that’s 60 miles) from Bognus.

DD:    Steady on my old Roman fruit.  Let me explain further.  In order to go to Bognus, they will have to travel on the M25.

Commodus:    The what?

DD:    A circular road called the MXXV.

Commodus:    A circular road?

Ludicrus:    Does it lead to Rome?

DD:    A circular road is a revolutionary concept, I know.  But we Britons like going round in circles and, if possible, disappearing up our own motorways.  On the MXXV at a point scarcely five miles from here, there is a hostelry called the Dipsomaniax.  Voluptua’s chariot will break down outside the multi-storey chariot park next to The Dipsomaniax.

GM:    At what time should we meet?

DD:    When the sun is at its highest in the sky?

(They all look at the rain)

GM:    How will we know when that is?  I’ve never seen the sun shine in this god-forsaken country.  The British weather is almost as bad as British children.

DD:    A jolly good point, my esteemed Roman Commander.  But tomorrow is Monday, the day everyone goes back to work in this country.  The sun always shines in Britannicus when everyone is at work.

GM:    It is agreed then.  We shall be waiting for your signal outside The Dipsomaniax.

Act 1, Scene 3

(The Angle Town of Letchworthius

Rule Britannicus and Encyclopedia Britannicus, The King and Queen of the Angles, enter.  They are both wearing crowns)

King:    It’s still raining, my little lexicon.

Queen:    I know, it’s coming through the roof.  I asked you to mend that roof last Saturday.  But no, you had to go to that football match instead.

King:    It was the Cup Final between Letchworthius and the ruffians of St. Evenage.

Queen:    I don’t understand you.  Football is just 22 men in togas chasing a Roman’s bladder around.  Where’s the fun in that?

King:    Well, it’s not much fun for the Roman, I admit, but it’s for the honour of the town.

Queen:    Well, if you can’t mend the roof, the least you can do is empty those two amphora.  They’re both full of water.

King:    As you wish, you enticing work of reference.

King empties one amphora (full of water) into bucket.  He empties the other amphora (not full of water) into audience.

Enter Voluptua, Volumina and Gloria Inexcelsis singing.

Voluptua
and others:    I’m getting married in the morning, etc.

I’m Getting Married In The Morning

Voluptua:    I’m getting married in the morning,
Ding dong the bells are going to chime,
Volumina:    Pull out the stopper,
Let’s have a whopper,
Gloria:    But get her to the church on time.
Voluptua:    I’ve got to be there in the morning,
Spruced up and looking in my prime,
Volumina:    Girls come and kiss me,
Show how you’ll miss me
(Voluptua and Gloria look at Volumina)
Gloria:    But get her to the church on time.
Voluptua:    Oh I’m getting married in the morning,
Ding dong the bells are going to chime,
Volumina:    Kick up a rumpus,
But don’t lose the compass,
Gloria:    And get her to the church
Volumina:    Get her to the church,
Gloria:    For Gaud’s sake
All:    Get me (her) to the church on time.

Voluptua:    Oh daddy, I’m so excited.

King:    Steady on, old girl.  It’s another three days yet.

Voluptua:    Just three days until I become Mrs Mykingdomforanos.  I can’t wait to become his stable mate.

King:    (To audience)  More like unstable mate.  (To Voluptua) Speak of the devil, here comes the young stallion now with his parents in harness.

Mykingdomforanos:    Neigh, you are too kind my liege.  What a great game last Saturday.  How Beckhamix bends a Roman’s bladder like that is beyond me.  But, I’m forgetting my manners.  Allow me to introduce my father, the Lord Optimistix.

Optimistix:    I’m very pleased to make your acquaintance, Rule.  You don’t mind if I call you Rule do you?  I am so looking forward to the wedding.  It’s about time that son of mine settled down.  He’s had more girls in the back of that chariot of his than…

Mykingdomforanos?    Yes, thank you father.  And allow me to introduce my mother, the Lady Pessimistix.

Pessimistix:    A pleasure to meet you, King Britannicus.  I’m afraid the portents are not good for the wedding day.  My soothsayer has predicted rain and you know what that means don’t you?

King:    We’ll get wet?

Pessimistix:    Have you never heard the expression
“A wedding day of sun and shine,
A married life that’s fun and wine
A wedding day of storm and wrecks,
A married life that’s

King:    Full of Se……?

Pessimistix:    That’s poor and vexed.

King:    No, I can’t say I’ve ever heard that expression, although I have heard other versions of it.

Pessimistix:    Of course, it rained on my wedding day and it hasn’t stopped yet.  Married life has been one long anticlimax.

King:    (to Optimistix):  Bad luck old man.

Optimistix:    Now, now, my little nosebag.  You know you don’t mean that.  Give us a smile.  Go on, oh go on, go on, go on…

Queen:    I’m sure it’s all going to be fine.  Could I offer anyone some hot water and scones?

Optimistix:    Hot water, my favourite.  I’ll take two lumps (looks at Queen’s bosom)… of sugar in mine, please.

Pessimistix:    Not for me thank you.  I try to avoid artificial stimulants.  I’ll just have some cold water and no lumps please.

Pessimistix:    (to King):  My lord, I have a complaint…

King:    I can get you some cream for that if you wish.

Pessimistix:    I have a complaint about the wedding caterers, Unhygenix & Co.

Queen:    My dear, let’s go next door and talk about that.

(Exit Queen and Pessimistix)

Voluptua:    Daddy, Daddy, I must away to Bognus for my hennus partius.  My chariot awaits. (to Mykingdomforanoas) Won’t you come and see us orf?

Mykingdomforanos:    Of course, my little filly.

King:    Optimistix, let us leave these young lovers to their business.  If we play our cards right, by the time we get back from The Dog and Dux, my amorous anthology Encyclopedia, should have put the wild boar in the cauldron.

Act 1 – Scene 4

(Outside Quikfix and Son, a chariot hire and repair shop, DD is hiding behind a bush)

DD:    Psst.  Psst.

Quikfix:    No, I’m not.  I never touched a drop…nor her, your honour.

DD:    No, Quikfix.  It’s me, Devius Devius.

Quikfix:    Ah, 38 Double D.  I didn’t recognise you without your bow tie.

DD:    I am a master of disguise.  Furthermore, women are putty in my hands.  (A woman appears, falls into DD’s arms, then exits).  Today I’m a charioteer on his way to Bognus.  How’s the work on the chariot going?

Quikfix:    Well it took me longer than expected.  You didn’t tell me that it was one of those new Ferraris.  They’re very complicated, you know.  You have to be gentle with them.  Treat them like a woman.  I had a lot of trouble getting my hands on her big end.  I had to strip her down.

DD:    I imagine you did.  But is it ready?  Will it break down on the way to Bognus?

Quikfix:    Of course it will.  I am Quikfix, an expert with a spanner, dapper with a hammer and competitively priced, that’ll be a tanner.

(Quikfix holds his hand out for payment, DD gives him coins).

(Enter Voluptua, Volumina, Gloria and Mykingdomforanos)

MKF:    Is the chariot ready?

DD:    Indeed sir, I shall fix the horses.

(Claps hands.  Two panto horses appear.  They are named Red Rum and Shergar)

Gloria:    Oh look.  There’s a horse, a horse and Mykingdomforanos.

DD:    (addressing Volumina).  You must be the Princess Voluptua.

Volumina:    People are always making that mistake.  I know we do look very alike.  No, I am her twin sister, Volumina.  And you are…?

DD:    Madam, I am your humble charioteer to Bognus.  Call me James.

Volumina:    Is that your name?

DD:    No, but you may call be James.

Volumina:    Oh you are awful (Volumina pushes DD very hard), but I like you.

Voluptua:    (to Mykingdomforanos)  Oh darling, a two horse chariot, you do spoil us.

MKF:    Nothing is too good for you, my little thoroughbred.  This is the very latest in chariot technology.  As the Gauls say “It’s got Va Va Voom”.

DD:    Two horse power, turbo charged, it goes like the wind.

(Raspberry.  Everyone looks at the horses)

Gloria:    (Sniffs air)  I hope it comes with air freshener as well, otherwise this is going to be a long trip.

Voluptua:    We must away.  I shall miss you my saucy horsey worsey.

MKF:    I shall miss you my silly billy filly.  (They snog)

Gloria:    Oh for goodness sake you two, cut it out.  Well, at least whilst I’m talking to you.

DD:    Ladies, your chariot awaits.

Volumina:    To Bognus, James, and don’t spare the horses.

(MKF leaves.  The others ride around the hall singing (Bognus Holiday) and turning wheels)

Bognus Holiday

Voluptua:    We’re all going on a Bognus holiday,
Volumina:    No more working for a day or two,
Gloria:    Fun and laughter on our Bognus holiday,
Volumina:    No more worries for me or you (points at Volumina/Gloria),
For a day or two.
Voluptua:    We’re going where the sun shines brightly,
Volumina:    (says): The sun shines brightly? In Bognus?
Gloria:    We’re going where the sea is blue,
Volumina:    (says): The sea’s not blue in Bognus,
Voluptua:    We’ve seen it on the movies
Volumina:    (says): What are movies?
All:    Now let’s see if it’s true.
Voluptua:    Everybody has a Bognus holiday,
Doin’ things they always wanted to,
All:    So we’re going on a Bognus holiday,
To make our dreams come true,
For me and you (point at each other)
For me and you (point at audience)

Act 1 – Scene 5

(Romans appear on stage, carrying bushes.  Song finishes, a trainer is thrown off the stage by a horse and the chariot stops)

Volumina:    What’s happened?  Why have we stopped?

DD:    I think one of the horses has thrown a shoe.  It’s alright, provided nothing else goes wrong.  It shouldn’t take long to fix that.

(The wheels fall off)

DD:    Now we may be here a little longer, but as long as nothing happens to the horses, we’ll be OK.

(The horses run off)

DD:    Does anybody know the number for the RAC?

Volumina:    The RAC?

DD:    Yes, Ring A Chariot.

(Enter Romans from behind bushes.  It starts to rain)

GM:    (to Volumina)  Princess Voluptua, allow me to introduce myself.  I am Big Bum, Commander of the Roman Army.

Volumina:    A pleasure to meet you Big Bum but alas I am not the Princess Voluptua, I am her twin sister Volumina.  People are always mixing us up.  Voluptua, I would like to introduce you to the Roman commander, Big Bum.

GM:    (to Voluptua):  Madam, I see that the stories of your great pulchritude are not exaggerated.

Voluptua:    Thank you, Commander.  But what brings you to jolly old Britannicus?  You find yourself a long way from Rome.

GM:    We are here on a mission, madam.

Commodus:    A mission to find a bride for the great soon to be Roman emperor, Julio Caesar.

Voluptua:    Well, I wish you good luck.  But, in the meantime, I wonder if you could help us get to Bognus, we’re in rather a hurry.

Commodus:    I think that she misunderstands us, Big Bum.  We have found the bride that we are looking for.  It is you, the fair Princess Voluptua.

Gloria:    (Cockney):  You’re havin’ a larf, ain’t you.  (Normally)  That cannot be, she is betrothed to Mykingdomforanos.

GM:    (to Voluptua): But madam, Caesar has so much more to offer.  He is the richest man in the civilised world.

Voluptua:    Commander, money isn’t everything.

Commodus:    He can give you diamonds from exotic shores.

Voluptua:    Diamonds?  They don’t last forever.

Ludicrus:    He has an enormous latifundia.

Volumina:    Caesar has an enormous latifundia?

GM:    Yes, his estates outside Rom are huge.

Volumina:    (disappointed):  Oh.

Voluptua:    I’m sorry Commander but I cannot come with you.  I’m in love with Mykingdomforanos.

GM:    In that case, madam, I am afraid that we shall have to take you by force.  Commodus, Ludicrus, Double D, seize them!

(A struggle ensues, in which Commodus captures Voluptua, DD captures Gloria, but Ludicrus fails to capture Volumina, who escapes)

GM:    Let her go, Ludicrus.  We have to get the XV o’clock boat to Gaul.  Let’s be off to Rome and sunnier climes.

Voluptua:    You won’t get away with this.  Mykingdomforanos will save me.

GM:    Oh no he won’t.

Ludicrus:    Oh yes he will.

(All look at Ludicrus.

Exit all in haste to the boat)

Act 1 – Scene 6

(Rule, Encyclopedia, Optimistix, Pessimistix and Mykingdomforanos are sitting drinking hot water)

Queen:    Pessimistix, would you like some milk with that hot water?

Pessimistix:    Yes please and do you have any of that low fat butter to go on this scone, I’m trying to lose weight?

(Queen gives Pessimistix the butter)

Thank you.  Do you know, I had to go to the doctor’s the other day.

Queen:    Why?

Pessimistix:    I couldn’t stop singing the green green grass of home.

Queen:    What did the doctor say?
Pessimistix:    He said that it sounded like Tom Jones syndrome.

Queen:    Is that common?

Pessimistix:    Well, apparently, it’s not unusual.

King:    You know our next door neighbours the Aerials, don’t you?

Optimistix:    Yes, I think we’ve met them.

King:    Mr Aerial had to go to the doctor’s because he had a potato stuck in his ear, a carrot up his nose and some meat in his eye.

Optimistix:    No, what happened?

King:    The doctor said that he wasn’t eating properly.  We went to the Aerials’ wedding.  Do you remember Encyclopedia?

Queen;    Yes, that’s right.  The ceremony wasn’t up to much, but the reception was brilliant.

(Volumina enters in an hysterical state)

Volumina:    Infamy, infamy.

King:    My child, what’s wrong?  Have you been eating those mushrooms again?

Volumina:    Chariot, Romans, Caesar, Enormous Latifundia.

Queen;    The girl is hallucinating.  I told you that they shouldn’t be allowed to visit Bognus, it’s a den of iniquity.

Pessimistix:    You wouldn’t catch me in a den of iniquity.

Optimistix:    If you were there dear, it wouldn’t be a den of iniquity.

Volumina:    Voluptua and Gloria have been kidnapped by Romans.

All:    (Gasp).  They haven’t.

Volumina:    They have.  They’ve been taken to Rome.

All:    (Gasp).  They haven’t.

Volumina:    They have.  Voluptua is to be forced to marry Julio Caesar.

All:    (Gasp).  She isn’t.

Volumina:    She is.  And what’s more Caesar has an enormous latifundia.

All:    (Gasp).  Enormous estates outside Rome?

Volumina:    Yes, and that’s not all.

All:    (Gasp).  What else?

Volumina:    That would be giving the rest of the plot away.

MKF:    This is a foul calumny.  We must rescue Voluptua before Caesar sees he.

King:    You just repeated yourself old man.  Did you have beans for lunch?

MKF:    No, no.

King:    You just did it again, what, what?

Optimistix:    Now you’re doing it.

MKF:    Silence.  We’re wasting time.  Who knows the quickest way to get to Rome?

Optimistix:    We can travel by Eurochariot.  It’s knocked days off the time to get to Rome..

King:    Eurochariot?  Where do you get that?

Optimistix    At the station in Londinium.

(Play Abba; Waterloo)

Pessimistix:    Kings Cross?

Queen:    No, Waterloo.

MKF:    Waterloo, it could be a battle to get there.

Optimistix:    We’ll travel through Southern Britannicus until we reach the perfumed subway at the coast.

Queen:    The Chanel Tunnel?

Optimistix;    Correct.  Under the sea and we’ll find ourselves in Gaul on one of those new fangled roads where insulted young men have taken to settling their differences.

Queen:    A dual carriageway?

Optimistix:    Precisely.  Then it’s downhill all the way to Rome.

MKF:    Eurochariot it is then.  Let this band of brothers go with haste to save the fair Voluptua from a fate worse than death.

King:    Does she have to go to the Youth Group panto?

MKF:    To horse and on to Rome.

Act 1 – Scene 7

(Julio Caesar is attending a banquet at the Senate.  The guests are being announced by Crackus)

Mark Anthony:    And I understand that in the middle of the battle, at precisely IV o’clock, they just stopped fighting and went and drank some hot water.  Strange people, those Britons.

Brutus:    What’s more, their beer is warmer than our rain.

Cicero:    And they insist on driving their chariots on the left.  It’s very confusing when you’re trying to cross the road.

Brutus:    Tell me Mark Anthony, has there been any progress in your search for the Brown Paper kid?

MA:    No, he keeps giving our guards the slip.  The reward for his capture is now MMM denarii.

Cicero:    The Brown Paper kid, what’s he wanted for?

Brutus:    Rustling.

Cassius:    Will you be going to The Circus Maximus tomorrow?

MA:    No, I went yesterday?

Cassius:    What was the score?

MA:    Lions 7, Christians 0.

Crackus (as
Jonathan Ross):    Pray silence for the great Roman and soon to be Emperor, Julio Caesar, accompanied by his Praetorian Guard.

(Enter Julio Caesar and Quintus)

MA:    Hail Hulio.

Brutus:    Hail Hulio.

Cicero:    Jail Julio.

Cassius:    Ciao Caesar baby.

JC:    (to Cassius who is fat):  My dear Cassius, you have a lean and hungry look.  Have you been on a diet?

Cassius:    Yes, Caesar, a sea food diet.

JC:    You see food and you eat it, right?

(Everyone except Cassius laughs very long and loud)

Cassius:    No, I have cod and chips, 3 times a day.  It’s a new British recipe.

JC:    Where do you get that?

Cassius:    There’s a plaice just outside Rome, it’s next to the big rock.  If you get your skates on you could be there in X minutes.

JC:    I wouldn’t be the only sole there, would I?

Crackus:    Caesar and honoured Romans, tonight, you will revel to riotous renderings of rhyme specially prepared for our royal roman rulers.

JC:    Quintus, who is that strange man making the announcements?

Quintus:    He’s Crackus, sire.

JC:    I didn’t ask about his state of mind.  Who is he?

Quintus:    He was sent to us by the Ross Academy for Dramatic Announcers.

JC:    RADA?

Quintus:    Yes, sire, although I don’t think that’s how Crackus would pronounce it.

JC:    Please tell him that he’s making a mockery of this whole affair and that if he doesn’t start telling his R’s from his elbow, I’ll have his tongue removed and if that doesn’t work, I’ll have something else removed.

Quintus:    Yes, Caesar.

Quintus:    (to Crackus):  Crackus, a word in your ear.  I’m afraid that Caesar doesn’t like your R’s.

Crackus:    Well how rude.  Doesn’t he know that I’m a trained thespian?

Quintus:    Trained thespian (as Crackus), trained thespian (correctly) or not, if there are any more mistakes, you’ll find yourself rotting in a revolting Roman prison.

Crackus:    Rotting a revolting Roman prison?  Oh dear.

Quintus:    You have been warned, my friend.

(The next guest arrives)

Crackus:    Who are you, my Lord?

Senator:    I am Arrius Trebius Rectus Primux Rufus Rex.

Crackus:    Did you say Arrius, Trebius, Rectus… oh dear, I’m sorry but I am afraid that I must retire – your “R”s before me are two numerous.

(Exit Crackus)

JC:    Quintus, what news of Glutius Maximus and the fair Voluptua?

Quintus:    They are approaching the city, sire, and should be here before sunset.

JC:    Not before time.  The date is fast approaching when I must take a bride or lose the empire.

Quintus:    Indeed sire.  Perhaps you could explain for the benefit of the plebs gathered here in the forum, (points at audience) why this is.

JC:    Very well, Quintus.  Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.

(Ears are thrown on the stage).

Twenty years ago, my father, Hannibal Lecterus, took my twin brother Julius and me, on his expedition to Britannicus.  Whilst crossing the Chanel, a sudden storm arose and the boat was lost.  My father saved me, but my brother was swept away.  My father always believed that my brother’s spirit remained alive in Britannicus and when he was a dying man, he made me swear that I would marry an Angle Princess before my XXI birthday.  If I fail to do this, I will not become Emperor and power will remain with the Senate.  In other words, plebs like you.  I can’t imagine anything worse.

Quintus:    Indeed sire.  But why an Angle Princess?  What’s so special about the Angles?

JC:    They’re so acute.

Quintus:    Acute?  That’s obtuse.  Don’t you mean cute?

JC:    Indeed, it’s said that Angle women are beautiful, curvaceous and have enormous…intellects.  A very rare combination in most of the women I’ve ever met.

Quintus:    Indeed Sire, although if there are any women listening I think that we should point out that we didn’t write this stuff.

(Enter Glutius Maximus, Voluptua, Gloria Inexcelsis, Ludicrus)

JC:    Hail, Glutius Maximus.

GM:    Hail, Caesar.  I have returned from the barren and sodden island of Britannicus where the children should be fed as meat to the lions.  I present you with the fair Voluptua, Princess of the Angles.

JC:    (Cockney):  Cor blimey, she’s a tasty bit of stuff.
(As Emperor):  You have done well, Commander.  Princess Voluptua, the tales of your beauty have been understated.  It is indeed a pleasure to meet you at last.

Voluptua:    You are Julio Caesar?  But you’re the spitting image of my betrothed Mykingdomforanos.

JC:    I can assure you madam, I am Caesar.

Voluptua:    But your blue eyes, your saturnine good looks.  You could be his twin brother.  Let me see your teeth.

(JC offers a very cheesy grin)

Voluptua:    As I thought, your teeth are like stars.

Ludicrus:    You mean they come out at night?

Voluptua:    (Continuing to Caesar):  Your broad shoulders, your manly chest, your muscular frame, your thin hips…

(During this Caesar preens himself)

Voluptua:    Shame about the bum though.

JC:    What’s wrong with my bum?

Voluptua:    It’s too big.

GM:    There’s nothing wrong with being a Big Bum.

Voluptua:    It’s too big for Mykingdomforanos and I bet it hasn’t got a horse shaped birthmark on it.

JC:    How did you know about my horse shaped birthmark?

Voluptua:    I don’t believe it, you’re just saying that to trick me.

JC:    I can assure madam that I have a birthmark and it is in the shape of a horse.

Voluptua:    Oh no you haven’t.

All;    Oh yes he has.

Voluptua:    Alright, prove it.  Show it to me.

(They go to the back of the stage and JC lifts his toga to show his birthmark).

All:    My, what a big horse.

JC:    I knew you’d be impressed.  Will you now agree to be my bride?

Voluptua:    I cannot, I am promised to Mykingdomforanos.

Gloria:    No, she cannot.  She’s already sworn a solemn oath to Mykingdomforanos.

JC:    I’m sorry, Voluptua, but if you will not marry me, I shall have no choice but to feed you and Gloria to the lions.

Voluptua:    (thinks, but only briefly): Any objection to Gloria being the maid of honour?

Gloria:    I’d be delighted.

Voluptua:    I wasn’t asking you.

JC:    I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist my charms.

(Enter Commodus)

Commodus:    Glutius Maximus, our agents have spotted three British spies in a tavern on the outskirts of Rome.

Ludicrus:    Not the tavern by the canyon where they’re excavating for a mine?

Commodus:    You mean the one run by the miner forty niner and his daughter  Clementine?

Ludicrus:    Yes, that’s the one.

Commodus:    No. It’s called The Vestal Virgins.  Apparently, they (the British spies not The Vestal Virgins) are planning to kidnap the Angle Princess Voluptua.

Voluptua:    Mykingdomforanos!  I knew he would come to rescue me.

JC:    I’m afraid Princess that in a short while he will be unable to save himself.  Glutius Maximus, proceed to The Vestal Virgins and arrest these men.

GM:    But Caesar, I have just returned from Britannicus.  I have been away from my lady wife, the fair Kleptomania, for many months.  Surely, Quintus can deal with this.

JC:    How dare you disobey my order.  Quintus has more important things to do.  Go immediately or you will be replacing Voluptua as the lions breakfast at the circus.

GM:    (Softly to the audience).  How a man with a horse on his backside can become Emperor of Rome is beyond me.  Still, if my scheme goes as planned, I, Glutius Maximus, will be the Emperor and Julio Caesar will be food for the beasts.  (Normally)  Commodus, Ludicrus, gather your troops and come with me to The Vestal Virgins.

(GM, Commodus, Ludicrus leave)

JC:    (To Voluptua).  See how I command Rome.  (to Quintus) Quintus, I think it’s time to go to that orgy.

(Exit all)

Act 2 – Scene 1

(Mykingdomforanos, Rule Britannicus and Optimistix are seated at a table in The Vestal Virgins.  They are eating and drinking.  There are two ears hammered onto the back wall of the hostelry.  All three are wearing pathetic disguises, moustaches/wigs)

Optimistix:    This beer is far too cold.

King:    You should have had something to eat with it, old man.  The Spaghetti Romanese is very good.

Optimistix:    Give me wild boar any day.

MKF:    I must say father, Eurochariot was a very good idea of yours.  It got us here in no time.

Optimistix:    Yes, although it’s about time the trip through Britannicus was quicker.  It’s embarrassing that the Gauls have such a better chariot system than we do.

MKF:    I’m sure it won’t be long before the chariots in Britannicus run on time.  Anyway, now we’re here, we have to come up with a plan to rescue Voluptua.

Optimistix:    I say we storm the gates of the city, slaughter a few Romans, grab the girl and head for home and some decent food and drink.

King:    Keep your voice down my friend, walls have ears (points to ears).  I must say, given that there are 40,000 Roman troops in the city and only three of us, that’s a fairly bold plan.

Optimistix:    That’s why they call me Optimistix.

Andronicus:    (The Vestal Virgin’s owner):  Can I get you anything else, gentlemen?

King:    No thank you, my good man.

Andronicus:    That’s a strange accent you have there sir.  Are you visitors from Gaul?

(All three put on berets)

King:    (in a bad French accent):  Mais oui, monsieur.  I say, Optimistix, ouvrez la fenetre.

Andronicus:    And what brings you to Rome?  Are you here on business?

King:    Beezinis? Non.  We are sur la vacation.  Un weekend pour le relaxation.  In fact, we’re busy doing nothing.

Andronicus:    (in a French accent):  Busy doing nothing?

King:    Oui.

Song (Busy Doing Nothing)in French accents.

Busy Doing Nothing

King:    We’re busy doing nothing

Optimistix:    Working the whole day through

MKF:    Trying to find lots of things not to do
We’re busy going nowhere, isn’t it just a crime?

Optimistix:    We’d like to be unhappy, but…

King:    We never do have the time

MKF:    I have to wake the sun up, he’s liable to sleep all day

Optimistix:    And then inspect the rainbows, so they’ll be bright and gay

King:    You must rehearse the songbirds, to see that they sing in key

Optimistix:    Hustle, bustle

King:    And never a moment free

Optimistix:    I have to meet a turtle, I’m teaching him how to swim

MKF:    Then I have to shine the dewdrops, you know they’re looking rather dim

Optimistix (says):    No

I told my friend the robin, I’d buy him a brand new vest

King:    Hustle, bustle and never a moment’s rest

We’re busy doing nothing

Optimistix:    Working the whole day through

MKF:    Trying to find lots of things not to do

We’re busy going nowhere, isn’t it just a crime?

Optimistix:    We’d like to be unhappy, but…

King:    We never do have

Optimistix:    We never to have

All:    We never do, never do, never do, never do, never do have the time, never do have the time… La, la, la la la la, la la la la la la la la, etc.

(Glutius Maximus, Commodus and Ludicrus enter brandishing umbrellas)

GM:    Arrest those men.

King:    On what charge?

GM:    For ruining a perfectly good song.  And for being British spies.

Andronicus:    I knew they weren’t Gauls.  I thought there was something Vichy about them.  They never fooled me, where are their onions?

(The Britons produce onions and put them round their necks)

Andronicus:    Oh, Commander, are you sure they’re not Gauls?

Commodus:    We have it on the highest authority.  A master spy.

(Devius Devius appears)

Commodus:    38 Double D.  Are these the men?

DD:    Indeed they are.  I followed them all the way from Britannicus in my Aston Martin chariot.

King:    But what about our onions?

DD:    Those are not onions, (produces huge onion) this is an onion.  Yours are but puny British imitations.

MKF:    Now let’s just assume for a moment, that we are not Gauls, but British spies.

King:    But we’re not of course.

MKF:    Indeed, sire, but if we were, why should we surrender our arms to just a few Romans.  Given the British fighting reputation, the odds seem to be rather in our favour.

GM:    I’m afraid that you are sadly mistaken.  Look outside the tavern, you will see that the odds are against you.

(King, Optimistix and MKF go to the front of the stage as if to peer out of a window)

King:    Gadzooks.  My friends, I fear that the game is up.  I’ve never seen such a horde of vicious, ugly looking, ruthless thugs.

Optimistix:    And that’s just the front row!

King:    (whispers):  I think that we must surrender.  At least we’ll live to fight another day.  (to Glutius Maximus)  Commander, we don’t wish to create a scene.  So we’ve decided to come quietly.

GM:    Then throw down your weapons.  (The three Britons and Ludicrus throw down their weapons).  Not you Ludicrus.

King:    Now I know you’ll find this hard to believe, Commander, because of our masterful disguises, but we are in fact…

DD:    The King of the Angles and his loyal lieutenants, Optimistix and Mykingdomforanos.

King:    Great Scott, man, how did you recognise us?

DD:    I am Devius Devius, double agent.  A master of disguise, the creator of surprise and…

All:    Here before our eyes?

DD:    Precisely.

(Waitress walks across stage)

DD:    And furthermore, women are putty in my hands.

(Waitress falls into his embrace, then exits)

GM:    We are wasting time.  I shall return to the city with our prisoners.  Commodus, Ludicrus, you stay here with Double D and make sure there are no more British spies in the area.

(GM leaves the stage with the three Britons)

Act 2 – Scene 2

(Commodus, Ludicrus and DD sit down and order food/drink)

Commodus:    Innkeeper, a round of drinks to celebrate our success in exposing the foreign spies.

Andronicus:    What can I get you?

DD:    I’ll have a vodka martini.

Andronicus:    Shaken not stirred?

DD:    My reputation precedes me.

Andronicus:    And you two gentlemen?

Commodus    What’s the choice?

Andromicus:    Well, we have sparkling wines from the Gaulish region of Aquitania.  Flavoursome white wines smuggled at great risk from lands controlled by the Visigoths.  Full bodied red wines brought from the furthest reaches of the Empire, from Carthage, Antioch, Judaea.  We have spirits imported from cold Northern territories, Caledonia and the Russian steppes.   Wherever they worship the god Bacchus, we have obtained their produce.  What would you like?

Commodus:    Haven’t you got some cheap Roman wine?

Andronicus:    Cashdenari, the house red for the philistines over here.

(She brings two glasses of red wine and a vodka martini and pouts at DD)

Cashdenari:    Can I offer you anything else, gentlemen?
In the way of food, obviously.

DD:    What’s on the menu tonight, my curvaceous Roman friend?

Cashdenari:    I recommend the house speciality, Vesuvius Eruption.

DD:    My, that sounds interesting.  What is it?

Cashdenari:    It’s crème de pommes de terre blended with exotic herbs and spices and presented in the form of the powerful and fiery Mount Vesuvius.

Ludicrus:    Is that mashed potato, then?

Cashdenari:    Yes, luv.

Commodus:    Three Vesuvius Eruptions, then please.

Ludicrus:    No, I’m starving, I’ll have two.

Cashdenari:    Four Eruptions it is.

(Cashdenari leaves.  Commodus addresses the other two).

Commodus:    A toast to a fine day’s work and to our great leader, Glutius Maximus.

Andronicus:    You mean Julio Caesar.

Commodus;    Just wait and see.

(Cashdenari arrives with four Vesuvius Eruptions.  She puts them in front of the three men.  DD looks askance at his Eruption)

DD:    I think that this one must be yours Ludicrus.

(Swaps with Ludicrus)

DD:    Waitress, my friend Ludicrus has got a hair in his Vesuvius Eruption.

Cashdenari:    A hair, where?

DD:    Just here, look.

(She looks down and examines the Eruption)

Cashdenari:    I can’t see anything.

DD:    It’s here, look.

(He picks up the plate and puts it right next to her face.  Ludicrus leans across)

Ludicrus:    Let me see.

(He pushes Cashdenari’s face into the Eruption)

DD     (to Ludicrus): Look what you’ve done.

Ludicrus:    Now it’s got a lot of hairs in it.

(Others laugh)

Cashdenari:    You think that’s funny do you?

(She grabs an Eruption and puts it into Ludicrus’ face)

Ludicrus:    Why, you …

(Ludicrus picks up an Eruption, aims it at Cashdenari, she ducks, and he hits Commodus.

Andronicus comes over to see what is occurring.  Commodus picks up the 4th Eruption and approaches Ludicrus)

Andronicus:        What’s going on here?

Commodus:    (to Ludicrus):  You stupid oaf.

(He aims the Eruption at Ludicrus, who is pushed out of the way, and hits Andronicus.  They all (except DD) get involved in a melee)

DD:    Come, come, everyone, settle down.  Accidents can happen.

(To Andronicus and Cashdenari):  Please bring us 4 more Eruptions.  And without any hairs this time.

(Cashdenari and Andronicus leave to get 4 more Eruptions)

Cashdenari:    (to Andronicus):  Look at him, he’s so smooth.  He started this and he hasn’t got a mark on him.  We’ll have to see about that.

(They return with 6 more Eruptions.  They put 5 on the table and Cashdenari keeps DD’s)

DD:    Where’s my Eruption?

Cashdenari:    I’ve made this one especially for you.

DD:    How kind, please let me have it.

(Cashdenari turns to the audience and says)

Cashdenari:    Should I let him have it?

Audience:    (hopefully):  Yes.

(She aims it at DD, he ducks, and she hits Ludicrus)

Ludicrus:    I’m fed up with this.
(to DD): It’s all your fault, take that.

(He aims at DD, he ducks and he hits Cashdenari in the bosom)

Cashdenari:    Right, that’s it.
(to DD):  You’ve had it this time.

(She aims at DD, he ducks, and she hits Commodus)

DD:    My friends, my friends, can’t we resolve this amicably?

(All three glare at him, pick up the remaining Eruptions.  They all approach DD)

DD:    Remember, we’re all civilised Romans.

(They all hit him in various parts of his anatomy)

Act 2 – Scene 3

(MKF, Optimistix and the King are in a dark Roman dungeon.  All three are chained to the wall.  There are two skeletons on the wall)

Optimistix:    I’ve got a terrible itch on my nose, could someone give it a scratch?

(MKF and the King attempt to reach his nose in turn, both unsuccessfully.  They use their feet)

King:    Sorry, old man, can’t reach.

(Optimistix releases his hand, scratches his nose, and puts his hand back in the chain.  MKF and King look at Optimistix)

Optimistix:    That’s better.  I’m starving.  I’d even eat some of that Roman tripe.  I wonder when dinner is served.

MKF:    (looking at the skeleton):  By the look of him, it could be a while. (Pause)  I’m sorry that my love for Voluptua has brought us to this dreadful end.

King:    It’s not that bad old thing.

MKF:    You don’t think so?  Tomorrow morning, we’re going to be dragged in chains to the Circus Maximus and forced to fight ravenous lions and tigers with nothing more than a plastic sword.  If we survive that, then we have to fight the best gladiators in Rome.  And if we survive that, I’ll have to explain to Voluptua why I’m late.

Optimistix:    Piece of cake, except for the explanation to Voluptua, obviously.  Son, you know what I say, whenever things look bleak…

(Speaks the first verse of Bright Side of Life (If life seems jolly rotten etc.))

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

Optimistix:    (Speaks): If life seems jolly rotten,
There’s something you’ve forgotten,
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you’re feeling in the dumps,
Don’t be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle.  That’s the thing.
And…

All:    Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistling]
Always look on the right side of life,
[whistling]
(Skeletons dance separately)

Optimistix:    (Speaks): For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it.  It’s your last chance, anyhow.
So,…

All:    Always look on the bright side of death,
[whistling]
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
[whistling]
(Skeletons dance together.  End of song. Skeletons return to wall)

(Commodus appears with a tray of food with cups)

MKF:    Thank you father for those encouraging words, but we have to be realistic.  We’re all going to die a horrible death a thousand miles away from home.

Optimistix:    I’m glad you mentioned that son.

MKF:    Why’s that father?

Optimistix:    Because it gives me a great opportunity to develop the plot.  You see, you are not my natural son.  You are in fact…

Commodus puts one cup to his ear as if to listen.

MKF/King/Commodus:    Yes?

Optimistix:    …none other than…

MKF/King/Commodus:    Yes?

Optimistix:    …a descendant of…

MKF/King/Commodus:    Yes?

Optimistix:    The Roman emperor, Hannibal Lecterus.

MKF/King/Commodus:    No.

Optimistix:    Yes.  Twenty years ago, Hannibal was sailing to Britannicus with his two twin sons, Julius and Julio, when a sudden storm arose in the Chanel and the boat was lost.  You were saved by a passing Stena Sealink ferry who brought you to the shore of Britannicus.  But your father and your twin brother were thought to be lost.

MKF:    How do you know this?

Optimistix:    A Roman centurion who was rescued with you told us who you were and that you had the royal birthmark of all the Caesars.

King:    What birthmark?

Optimistix:    All Caesars have the shape of a horse on their royal behinds.  Show him Mykingdomforanos.

MKF:    How exactly am I going to do that?

(Skeletons start to move towards MKF and begin to lift his clothing)

MKF:    Get off.

King:    (to MKF):  If you are really Julius Caesar, then Julio Caesar must be your twin brother.

Commodus:    The British spy and Julio Caesar, twin brothers, just wait until Big Bum hears about this.

(Commodus rushes off)

MKF:    Surely if we tell Julio Caesar this story, he must spare us.  How could he put his twin brother to death?

Optimistix:    There you are son.  Like I said you should “Always look on the bright side of life”.

All:    Sing and whistle.

Act 2 – Scene 4

(Julio Caesar, Quintus, Four Roman Senators and Glutius Maximus are in the Royal Box at the Circus Maximus).

Cassius:    Gentlemen, let me offer you a delicious new delicacy from Britannicus.

MA:    What is it?

Cassius:    It’s a rare fruit called a (slowly) s-t-r-a-w-b-e-r-r-y.  I could only find seven, so it’s strictly one each.

(Slave (Redgrave) brings the bowl of strawberries and during the ensuing conversation they are passed around.  Everyone has one, except Brutus, who pointedly has two, before the bowl reaches Cassius).

Brutus:    What’s the sport today, Cicero?

Cicero:    It should be good, it’s three Britons against Whiskas.

Brutus:    Ah, resolute, if slightly dim, fighters against the fiercest lion, excellent.

MA:    You know what I like best about these Games involving man-eating lions?

Cassius:    No, tell me.

MA:    You never get any hooligans invading the pitch.

(Cassius receives the bowl.  There are no strawberries left).

Cassius:    What happened to my strawberry?  I ordered one each.  I told you that they cost a small fortune.  Come on, own up, who took an extra one?  It was you, wasn’t it Cicero?

Cicero:    Not me, guv.  I only had one.

The others consecutively (Brutus last):  And me.

MA     (to Brutus):  No you didn’t, you took two, I saw you.

Brutus:    Oh, no I didn’t.

All:    Oh, yes you did.

Brutus:    (appealing to the audience):  Oh, no I didn’t.

All:    Oh, yes you did.

Cassius:    (to Brutus):  You? (pause), You? (pause) Eat two, Brute.

JC:    (to Cassius):  I think you’ll find that that’s my line.

Cassius:    Is it?  Well it’s not exactly Shakespeare is it?

JC:    Enough.  Have the prisoners brought in, I wish to meet them before they meet their destiny.

(Enter Commodus)

Commodus:    (to Glutius Maximus):  Commander, a word in private if you please.

(Commodus and GM go to the side of the stage.  Commodus whispers in GM’s ear)

GM:    (surprised):     Julio Caesar and Mykingdomforanos are tin udders?

Commodus:    No, no

(more whispering)

GM:    Oh, they’re twin brothers?

(more whispering)

GM:    Julio Caesar and Mykingdomforanos were tossed in wee?

Commodus:    No, no

(More whispering)

GM:    Oh, they were lost at sea.

(More whispering)

GM:    Julio Caesar and Mykingdomforanos have got sauce on their thumbs?

Commodus:    No, no

(More whispering)

GM:    Oh, they’ve got a horse on their bums?
You know what this means don’t you?

Commodus:    What?

GM:    That I need a hearing aid AND that this is a great opportunity for us finally to overthrow the Caesars.  On this signal (shows stupid signal), seize Caesar and his Praetorian Guard.

Commodus:    Yes, commander.

(The three Britons appear with Ludicrus)

JC:    Ah, the Whiskas cat meat.  I understand that you fools thought that you could challenge the might of Rome.  Today, you will see how Rome treats such impostors.  Throw them to the lion.

King:    Don’t you mean lions?

JC:    What do you think this is, the Palladium?

GM:    Not so fast Caesar.

Optimistix:    I entirely agree with you, old man.  I don’t think that we should rush into this.  Besides, my son, Mykingdomforanos has something important to reveal to Caesar.

GM:    Wait your turn, so have I.

JC:    A moment, Glutius Maximus.  (To Optimistix)  What exactly does your son have to reveal?

GM:    Let me guess, the British spy has a horse shaped birthmark on his botty.

MKF:    How did you know that?

JC:    Yes, how did you know that, have you been watching people in the shower again?

(to MKF):  You have a horse shaped birthmark?

MKF:    Yes, Caesar.

JC:    Well check this out (shows birthmark on bum).

All:    My, what a big horse.

JC:    This must mean that you are my long lost twin brother, Julius.

MKF:    And that you are my lost long twin brother, Julio.

GM:    Oh, no it doesn’t.

JC/MKF:    Oh yes it does.

GM:    Oh not it doesn’t.  It means that you (pointing at Julio Caesar) are a British double agent and a Roman traitor.

Commodus, Ludicrus, (Does signal.  They both return the signal).

GM:    No, no, you fools.  Arrest Caesar and his Guards.

(They are seized).

At long last, the tyranny of the Caesars is at an end and the tyranny of Glutius Maximus can begin.  Guards, throw these Britons and their Roman accomplices to the lion.

Act 2 – Scene 5

(JC, Quintus, MKF, Optimistix and the King are in the Circus Maximus.  GM, Commodus, Ludicrus and the Senators are spectators)

MKF:    I’m sorry that I’ve got you into this mess, brother.

JC:    Fear not, brother, I have a cunning plan.  Little does Glutius Maximus know, but I have strange powers over animals.  I am able to hypnotise them.

MKF:    Well, how does that work?

JC:    Like this.

(Demonstrates hypnotism)

MKF:    Well, that’s not very effective is it, father?

(Optimistix and The King are hypnotised)

MKF:    Father?

JC:    See, my powers work on all dumb animals.

(JC clicks his fingers and the two men come round)

Optimistix:    Well, that’s not very effective is it?

King:    No, my friend, I think we’re done for.  Look, they’ve just released the lion.

(Whiskas comes on stage, growling ferociously)

GM:    Now it’s time for the king of the jungle to eat the King of the Angles.  Kill, my carnivorous friend, kill.

(JC moves forward to hypnotise the lion.  Whiskas is hypnotised)

JC:    You are now a cuddly pussy cat.

Whiskas:    Mioaw.

JC:    (pointing to his friends):  We are your kittens.

Whiskas:    Mioaw.

JC:    (pointing to his enemies):  They are big fat, juicy mice?

Whiskas:    Mioaw.

JC:    You like to chase big fat, juicy mice, don’t you?

Whiskas:    (nods his head):  Mioaw.

JC:    Then chase them out of Rome.

(Whiskas runs after GM and the others.  Ludicrus jumps into the arms of GM/Commodus.  They all run off followed by the lion).

MKF:    Well, that went very well, didn’t it father?

(Optimistix and the King are hypnotised again)

MKF:    Oh, for goodness sake.  Brother, they’ve gone again.

(JC clicks his fingers and they recover)

King:    Let me at him, let me at him.

MKF:    Sire, the lion has gone and we are all saved, thanks to my brother, Julio.

(GM reappears with a bucket and seizes Caesar)

GM:    Not so fast, you British spies.  Your cunning plan had one fatal flaw.  You didn’t realise what a big fat, juicy mouse Ludicrus is.  Or should I say, was.  Whiskas will be delayed some time while he feasts on his giblets.  In the meantime, I shall dispense with this impostor and claim my rightful place as the Emperor of Rome.

MKF:    Not so fast, my large bottomed Roman friend.  Would an Emperor kill his enemies in cold blood or would he fight them man to man?  I challenge you to a duel.  If you win, we all go to the lions and you become Emperor.  If I win, you won’t be too bothered what happens, because you’ll be dead.  Agreed?

GM:    (pushes Caesar aside):  Agreed.

Optimistix:    Quick, my son, take this sword.

(MKF and GM fight.  GM is mortally wounded and takes a long time to die melodramatically)

JC:    Mykingdomforanos you saved my life.  I will be forever in your debt.  Under the circumstances, I cannot possibly take Voluptua from you.  Quintus, bring the beautiful Angle Princess to the arms of her betrothed.

(GM continues to die.  Voluptua runs onto the stage and into the arms of MKF)

MKF:    Thank you Caesar.

JC:    Is there anything else that I can do to repay you?

(GM continues to die)

MKF:    Excuse me a moment.

(MKF takes out a gun and shoots GM)

Yes, you could do me the honour of being the best man at my wedding to Voluptua.

JC:    I would be delighted.  Quintus, make preparations for us all to travel to Britannicus.  We shall leave by the first Eurochariot tomorrow morning.

Act 2 – Scene 6

(Encyclopedia Britannicus, Volumina and Pessimistix are preparing for the wedding.  The Queen and Volumina are seated.  Pessimistix is standing)

Pessimistix:    Encyclopedia, what are you doing?

Queen:    I’m trying to work out place settings for the wedding feast.  It’s proving to be rather difficult.  So many of the King’s relatives are sworn enemies.  I’m sure that there must be a way around the problem though.  I just need to think carefully.

Pessimistix:    What’s wrong with Volumina?  She seems rather unhappy.

Queen:    Boyfriend trouble.  She found out that her last boyfriend, Surtax, was two-timing her.  This means that she has noone to take her to the wedding.

(Pessimistix moves to the window.  All three remain quiet for a moment)

Queen:    What’s the weather like, Pessimistix.

Pessimistix:    It’s raining.

Volumina:    (with distaste):  Men!

Queen:    (reaching answer to her problem):  Hallelujah!

(All three proceed to sing part of the song “It’s raining, men, hallelujah”)

It’s Raining Men

It’s raining men
Hallelujah it’s raining men
Every specimen
Tall blond dark and mean
Rough and tough and strong and lean

God bless Mother Nature
She’s a single woman too
She took on a heaven
And she did what she had to do
She taught every angel
To rearrange the sky
So that each and every woman
Could find her perfect guy

It’s raining men
Go get yourself wet girl
I know you want to

I feel stormy weather moving in
About to begin
Hear the thunder
Don’t you lose your head
Rip off the roof and stay in bed

It’s raining men Hallelujah
It’s raining men, Amen
It’s raining men, Hallelujah
It’s raining men, Amen

It’s raining men Hallelujah
It’s raining men, Amen
It’s raining men Hallelujah
It’s raining men, Amen

Act 2 – Scene 7

(Final wedding scene.  Everybody except Voluptua and MKF, Gloria and Julio Caesar appear on stage.  Wedding march begins to play.  Then the bride and groom and maid of honour and best man proceed down the aisle.  The music stops.  Twix, the Druid moves forward to conduct the ceremony.)

Twix:    (as a C of E vicar): Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of our dear departed friend…

(Bride and Groom whisper to Twix)

Twix:    Oh, a wedding.  Right.  Better start again.  Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness a Sacred Rite of Marriage.  By the power vested in me I ask the God of Love and the goddess of the Bright Flame to look favourably on this union.  The joining together of a Man and a Woman in the Sacred Rite of Marriage brings together great forces from which may flow the seeds of future generations to be nurtured in the womb of Time.

All:    Oooooh!

Twix:    But, given that this is a family show, I’d better not go into any more detail about that.

(Turning to MKF):  Do you Shergar, Red Rum, Black Beauty, Lippizaner, Trigger, Mykingdomforanos take this woman to be your awful bedded, I’m sorry, your lawful wedded wife?

MKF:    I do.

Twix:    Will your love survive the harsh fires of change and the clear light of day?

MKF:    It will.

Twix:    (Turning to Voluptua):  And do you Belladonna, Cassandra, Dahlia, Fiona, Luna, Morgana, (takes breath) Nessa, Pixie, Ready and Willing, Sabina Tivona, Voluptua take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

Voluptua:    I do.

Twix:    Will your love survive the ebb and flow of feeling and the times of stillness and restriction?

Voluptua:    It will.

Twix:    (produces a sword).

All:    What a big weapon.

Twix:    Do you swear upon the Sword of Justice to keep these sacred vows?

MKF/Voluptua:    We do.

Twix:    Then seal your promises with a kiss.

(MKF and Voluptua kiss for a very long time.  Twix coughs increasingly loudly to get their attention.  They eventually respond)

Twix:    By the power vested in me, I declare you man and wife.

(General cheering and throwing of enormous quantities of confetti)

(Wedding ceremony ends.  The bride and groom proceed back up the aisle to the front of the stage and are surrounded by all the guests)

Volumina:    Sister, it’s time to throw the wedding bouquet.

(Voluptua turns to the guests and brandishes the bouquet)

Voluptua:    Are you all ready?

(All the unmarried girls begin to jostle each other and JC (being unaware of the custom) in anticipation of catching the bridal bouquet, Voluptua throws the bouquet and Volumina and JC catch it together.  They stand and look at each other).

Volumina:    (to JC):  You must be Mykingdomforanos’ twin brother.  I’ve heard so much about your enormous latifundia.

JC:    Yes, it is huge.  Would you like to see it?

Volumina:    If that’s a proposal, then I accept?  Father, Julio Caesar just asked me to marry him.

(JC looks shocked)

King:    Right, now we’re all here, let’s get the pictures done.  Leonardo, where do you want us?

(Leonardo arranges the guests and begins to sketch.  Lights down, lights up.  Sign says 3 hours later).

Queen:    Hasn’t he finished yet?

King:    No.  The trouble is, people keep moving.

Queen:    Well, I’ve had enough.  It’s time we went to eat the wedding feast.

Leonardo:    Thank you everyone.  I’m finished.  Should I do any more copies?

All:    (shout): No.

(It begins to snow)

Voluptua:    (to MKF):  Oh look darling, it’s beginning to snow.  How romantic.

MKF:    Yes, my love.  Just think, if we weren’t all pagans, this would mean that it’s a White Christmas.

Voluptua:    What’s that noise?

MKF:    It sounds like a piano tuning up and our cue for a song.

All:    (Sing):  White Christmas.

White Christmas

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten
And children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

Optimistix:    (Steps forward):  And do you know boys and girls, they all lived happily ever after.

Pessimistix:    Oh not they didn’t.

All:    Oh yes they did.

All:    (Repeat last two lines of White Christmas)

© 2003 S. James and F. Nuttall

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