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Christmas Allsorts

by George11 November 2008

First performed by the Crowthrone Musical Players for their Xmas Review – Dec 1999.

This “Mini Pantomime”, specially written for a “Review” style show, takes about 20 minutes to 30 minutes to complete (but allow for audience to get involved and the songs). No set required, just the characters coming off. Costumes however are required. Of course the more bad taste in the choice of costumes the better.

I’ve left Village/Town names to be added like this [Nearby Local Town] so you can write in what you want.

Act 1 of Scene 1 (and the only one you’re going to get)

FAIRY LIQUID
[Bad green demon girl with horns and a trident type appears. Enters.]
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls,
Welcome to our show.
We hope to give you a laugh or two,
before you have to go.

I’m the Bad Fairy for this tale,
Fairy Liquid is my name…
Being mild green and soft to hands
is my only claim to fame…

But let us meet the other Fairy,
Who is nice, not nasty and rough..
He’s on the side of Good,
His name… Fairy Nuff…

FAIRY NUFF
[Fairy Nuff appears – Big ugly grumpy guy with beard in a pink tutu pulling the knickers out of his bum.]
Cor, this tutu playing havoc with my pil…. errr… problems…

FAIRY LIQUID
Errr… Now then Nuff, these word you say,
You know they have got to rhyme
They always have in Panto’s,
Since the dawn of time…

FAIRY NUFF
You’re having a laugh mate! Can YOU think of anything to rhyme with friction burns? My knickers are sticking right up my bu…..

FAIRY LIQUID
B.. b.. bu.. bu.. But Fairy Nuff, you’re the good guy!
Full of merriment, joy and mirth…

FAIRY NUFF
Look pal, after a week in this,
I feel like I’m about to give birth…

FAIRY LIQUID
Ahhh, at last, with Nuff out of the way
I can be ‘orrible, nasty and cheat…
I’ll make sure this story ends
with evil wining… Err… over good!

FAIRY NUFF
Hoy! That didn’t rhyme!

FAIRY LIQUID
Tough Nuff!

So wicked I shall be,
And now tell of my plan.
A spell I cast, a magic verse,
To cause havoc over the land!!!

FAIRY NUFF
Come on then Fairy Liquid,
What evil do I have to fight?

FAIRY LIQUID
I’m going take a character from every Panto,
And magic them here tonight!!!!

Har har har har…

[He pushes Nuff off stage, then turns, waves her trident with a sweeping bow. On jumps Buttons.]

BUTTONS
Oh my goodness! What’s happened? Where am I? [To Audience to wake them up.] I said where am I? [React to Audience] I don’t understand, one minute I’m confessing my love to [Well Known Actress/Female in the News] in [Nearby Local town] mind you isn’t everyone, and the next I’m in [Current Location]! I’m surprised I noticed the difference. Oh dear, how will Cinderella get to the Ball without me?

[Fairy Nuff bounces on. Waves his wand, throws a piece of paper at Buttons and bounces off watched by Buttons who is gob smacked.]

Was that what I think it was and did it do what I think it did? Now I know I’m dreaming. No this is a nightmare! But what is this?
[Picks up paper and reads it.]
If you do as you are told,
No harm will come to you my friend.
Just go along with the script you read.
And drive everyone round the bend.

Fair enough…

[Fairy Nuff bounces on.]

FAIRY NUFF
You want me?

BUTTONS
I don’t think so. Not in a million years! Not on your Nelly! Not a chance! You’ve got two hopes and one of them is Bob!

FAIRY NUFF
That’s a no then?

BUTTONS
I think so…

FAIRY NUFF
Fair enough…
[Fairy Nuff bounces off.]

BUTTONS
[Reading Script.]
The plot is as follows…
You are Buttons from Cinderella,
Shortly you’ll meet Snow White.
You must get her to kiss Dick Whittington,
And everything will turn out right.
PTO.
[Turns paper.]
1 tin of beans, corn flakes, a partridge in a pear tree and remember to put the cat out – it’s on fire.

So I have to get Snow White to kiss Dick Whittington, sound easy enough.
[Fairy Nuff bounces on.]
No I said easy.

FAIRY NUFF
But I am!

BUTTONS
Get off! No jokes like that!
[Fairy Nuff walks off dejected – Milk a few “awwwwwww”s from the Audience.]
Well then, where’s Snow White.
[Looking off then louder.]
Where’s Snow White!!
[Fairy Liquid appears quickly waving her trident. Snow White enters from the other side. And hopefully the audience will catch on and start with the behind you routine. Don’t let it carry on too long.]
I said “Where’s Snow White!”
[Finally he spots her]
Ah you must be Snow White.

SNOW WHITE
[Confused.]
Errr.. Yes but who are you? I’m suppose to be eating a poison apple given to me by my wicked step mother in [Other Local Town/Village].

BUTTONS
Well you’re not much better off. You’re in [Current Location].

SNOW WHITE
[Looking round]
I think I’d rather have the apple. What’s happened? Why am I here.

BUTTONS
Look let me explain. [Thinks.] No, let me summarise we haven’t got much time. By the way, if you see a guy in a pink tutu don’t worry, it’s quite normal for round here. I have got to get you to kiss Dick Whittington and then we’ll live happily ever after.

SNOW WHITE
Dick Whittington?

BUTTONS
Things could be worse…

SNOW WHITE
True I might have to kiss you!

BUTTONS
Ouch!

SNOW WHITE [Soppy time]
But I was waiting for my Prince to come, someday. [Disgusted.] Not Dick Whittington.

BUTTONS
But, but, but…

SNOW WHITE [Song is cut very quickly.]
Some day my prince will come….

[Fairy Liquid comes on and waves her trident again.]

SNOW WHITE
Did you see that I thought I saw?

BUTTONS
Yes, there’s a pink one as well. Don’t ask. It happens here don’t know why.

[This time on pops Widow Twanky in mid flow.]

WIDOW TWANKY
…and Aladdin is such a lazy boy, I tell you, he’s so lazy, he’s sooo lazy…

[Milk “how lazy”.]

He’s so lazy, he was walking down the street one day and he couldn’t be bother to watch where he was going. He just looked at his feet. Then he met someone coming in the other direction and moved to the left and right then left again to get past them. It took him 4 hours to find out it was his reflection in a shop window!

He’s also terrible at DIY. I said he’s also terrible at DIY. He put a new front door on our house last week but it opens outwards. Every time the doorbell rings I go and open to door to find no one’s there!

[Acts out opening the door and squashing the person behind.]

Oh look it’s Mr [Pick someone in audience]. He’s such a nice man. So polite! He even enquired about my family tonight. Well I think that’s what he meant when he said “Fancy a bit of how’s-yer-fathers…”

[Slowly she realises something is wrong.]

Errr… This isn’t [Other Local town] is it?

BUTTONS
Nope. Actually it’s a lot better than [Same local town]. It’s.. Oh never mind, trust me. I take it you’re Widow Twanky from Aladdin?

WIDOW TWANKY
Yes.. You?

BUTTONS
Buttons – Cinderella. [Shake hands]

SNOW WHITE
Snow White – Snow White. [Shake hands]

WIDOW TWANKY
Good and Bad Fairies?

SNOW WHITE & BUTTONS
DON’T ASK!

WIDOW TWANKY
That bad?

SNOW WHITE & BUTTONS
Worse!

WIDOW TWANKY
Ok, I think I know where this is going. Have we met the evil bad guy?

SNOW WHITE
No actually, it’s the one thing we haven’t seen yet.

WIDOW TWANKY
Have we had the song yet? We’ve got to have a song!

BUTTONS
Ok then what are going to sing?

[Song sheet gets carried on and unrolled. On it is a Xmas other popular Panto song.]

WIDOW TWANKY
I don’t know. [To Aud] What do you want to sing? [Hopefully they’ll go for what is on the sheet.]

[Ok so it’s the song bit now. At the end of which Fairy Liquid enters and waves her trident again. On comes Captain Hook, the evil bad guy and hopefully the audience will start shouting “He’s behind you” thing A quick routine of “Where? What here?” and “Oh no he’s not.” And then they finally see him.]

ALL BUT CAPTAIN HOOK
OH NO! NOT CAPTAIN HOOK!

CAPTAIN HOOK
Har har har… Yes me! I’m Captain Hook! [BOOS AND HISSES] And you [To Buttons] Peter Pan you are going to be hung by the yardarm till… Till… Till… Why aren’t you wearing green tights and flying?

BUTTONS
It’s my night off.

CAPTAIN HOOK
And [To Snow White] Tinkerbell! Where are your wings and your fairy dust?

SNOW WHITE
It’s my night off.

CAPTAIN HOOK
ARRGGHH!!! The crocodile!!!

WIDOW TWANKY
Hoy! Steady!

CAPTAIN HOOK
Well since I appear to be in the wrong show. I might as well kill you all as well! [Drawing Sword]

ALL BUT CAPTAIN HOOK
No! Horror!

SNOW WHITE
Is there not one hero among us from his Horrible Hook?

BUTTONS
Is there not one who would save us from this Vile Villain?

WIDOW TWANKY
Is there not one person… [Looking in wings] Waiting in the wings… Waiting to come on!!! Hint! Hint! The one with the long legs and fish net tights!!!

CAPTAIN HOOK
Do you think he’s listening.

SNOW WHITE
Principle Boy! All legs and no brain.

CAPTAIN HOOK
Do you think he’s going to come on?

BUTTONS
Not until that Fairy shows.

[Fairy Liquid enters and waves her trident again. Then goes off.]

CAPTAIN HOOK
Errr…

ALL BUT CAPTAIN HOOK
Yes. Don’t ask.

CAPTAIN HOOK
Well where is he?

SNOW WHITE
What can I say. Principle Boy. It will take 10 second for the brain the kick in.

[Dick Whittington enters. Struts to centre stage then slaps her thigh.]

[Pause]

CAPTAIN HOOK
Is that it?

SNOW WHITE
It doesn’t get any better.

CAPTAIN HOOK
Really?

SNOW WHITE
Yes. Just don’t ask her.. Errr.. Him… to sing.

CAPTAIN HOOK
Come on it must be good for a laugh.

BUTTONS
I wouldn’t bet on it.

[Dick Whittington slaps her thigh.]

CAPTAIN HOOK
WILL YOU STOP THAT! Oh! It’s so annoying! I see what you mean. So how is she… He going to save the day?

WIDOW TWANKY
Well it’s panto isn’t it! He’ll think of some last minute idea or story line which has never been mentioned before and save the day by beating you.

[Dick Whittington slaps her thigh.]

But then again, perhaps we should just hit you over the head with a frying pan or throw a custard pie into your face?

CAPTAIN HOOK
But I have a sword! [Holding it under her nose.]

WIDOW TWANKY
[Dropping to knees, praying.] Ah! Well we’re going to die!

SNOW WHITE
Well I suppose I better do my feeble, stereo type, humble woman thing again… [PATHOS] Oh no! Can no one save us. Where is my hero? Where is my… Errr… Who is it again?

[A stuffed cat is thrown on centre stage with a loud Meoooowwwww.]

Ah. Dick Whittington. Where is my Dick Whittington to save me!

[Stepping forwards and drawing sword. Dick Whittington slaps her thigh.]

ALL BUT CAPTAIN HOOK
[Shaking heads and giving up.] We’re doomed!

[A sword fight then starts. Back for fore the stage. Where ever the two fight the others run to the opposite side of the stage. Just as Captain Hook gets the upper hand and knocks away Dick’s sword, a custard pie gets handed to Dick who then throws it into Captain Hook’s face!]

ALL
Hooray!!!!!

WIDOW TWANKY
Ah the old custard pie ending! I said that would happen!

[The two Fairies come on opposite sides.]

FAIRY LIQUID
Oh bother! I’ve been foiled again!
Fairy Nuff has won the day,
The Panto has now ended,
What else is there to say!

FAIRY NUFF
Well lots really, I have to now,
Undo the deeds you’ve done,
And send these good people back
From where they’ve just come from.

ALL BUT THE FAIRIES
Dodgy rhyme alert!

FAIRY LIQUID & FAIRY NUFF
But first the ending from days of old.
A tradition bold and strong.
We say goodbye with a smile and a wave,

EVERYONE
And end it with a song!

[Pick a song, any song, one each sang at the same time would be a laugh. Everyone waves and gets off running. The End.]

Copyright © 2000 – George Riddell (www.amadrama.co.uk) All Rights Reserved.
Permission granted for Amateur Drama use only.

George Riddell runs a website for amdram groups in Berkshire and the surrounding area and can often be seen, camera in hand, videoing for local groups.


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